Limericks

Oct 28, 2017
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAITWAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924 - or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Ill.

Hi, you are on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

BRIT CROWE: Hi. I'm Brit Crowe from Huntley, Ill.

SAGAL: Huntley, Ill. OK, what do you do there?

CROWE: I'm an elementary school music teacher.

SAGAL: Oh, that is God's work. I just think you guys are the best...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: ...Because you are giving the gift of music to these little brats who don't know how great that is. And I appreciate that.

LUKE BURBANK: Do you have any students that are, like, A precocious saxophone player like Lisa Simpson. And if they just started jamming, would you let them leave class and just wander through Springfield?

(LAUGHTER)

CROWE: I may or may not have been a precocious saxophone player myself.

SAGAL: I see. So she sides with Lisa. Well, welcome to the show, Brit. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you will be a winner. Are you ready to play?

CROWE: Yes.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: I finally found my life's cause. Those suck tubes on which my kid gnaws. We'll do something drastic to toss out less plastic. We must put it in to all...

CROWE: Straws.

SAGAL: Yes, straws.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Good one.

SAGAL: The Stop Sucking campaign is trying to wean Americans from their love of plastic straws. According to the group, we use 500,000 of them every day. And since that plastic doesn't degrade, and it's not easy to recycle, every straw I ever used still exists somewhere in the planet, hiding in caves, plotting their vengeance.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Of course, this effort has inspired a pro-straw movement. They're fighting back with their own campaign called Make America Suck Again.

(LAUGHTER)

BURBANK: Oh, they won, Peter. I don't know if you heard.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: No sport, they said. My mind is whirling. Some insults I'm freeing like hurling. Instead, I am weeping. They mock stones and sweeping. I swear that the whole world hates...

CROWE: Curling.

SAGAL: Curling. Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Curling. Good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Curling is the redheaded, club-footed Tiffany Trump stepchild of the sports world.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: But that isn't stopping the USA Curling Association from filing a complaint against American Airlines. Here's what happened. When athletes travel, there's this $25 sports baggage fee they can use to check their equipment, even if it's oversized. But on Sunday, an American Airlines agent told a curler - that's the athlete, not the hair thing - that she would have to pay the much higher oversized fee to check her curling broom because curling was, quote, "not a sport."

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Then to underline the insult - this is real - the agent added, well, it's not a sport. You know, it's not like golf.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Oh, gee. 'Cause I was going to say I think golf is the only sport that they should get away with that for.

SAGAL: Yeah.

ADAM BURKE: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Like, if you're checking golf bags, you know what? You're paying every penny because golf is just stupid.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: You know, but curling - at least it takes balance.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right. You have one more limerick. Here it is.

KURTIS: My language class I used to flunk because my sober tongue felt like a chunk. But my mouth is now loose with the help of Grey Goose. I wasn't sufficiently...

CROWE: Drunk.

SAGAL: Yes. Drunk.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: British researchers have confirmed what I have always believed - that the key to learning a new language is to get, quote, "slightly intoxicated."

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: You know this.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: When you're a little drunk, you're less inhibited, which helps with pronunciation. And let's face it. What they say is German is just English spoken by people who drink beer by the liter.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: (Vocalizing).

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Si, Pedro.

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: Wow. So they really say you should drink to learn languages?

SAGAL: I have found this in my life to be absolutely true - that if I'm speaking a language which I'm bad at, I am a lot better if I've had a drink or two.

POUNDSTONE: You know what? That's what you tell yourself.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: I mean, could the same thing be said of your dancing?

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Brit do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Brit is Huntley strong. She got three out of three.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Brit.

POUNDSTONE: All right.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well done. Thank you so much for playing.

CROWE: Thank you.

SAGAL: Take care.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "LADY MARMALADE")

MYA: (Singing) Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir. Voulez vous coucher avec moi.

LIL' KIM: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.